100 days in power: Clegg puts Norfolk on eBay

“I am in charge now” insisted temporary PM Nick Clegg today amidst uproarious scenes in the House of Commons. “So shush. Either we subject frontline public services to horrendous cuts or we sell Norfolk. It is a tough decision – and we were not elected, then negotiated ourselves into a coalition, to take it.”

In an unprecedented move, the government is celebrating 100 days in power by putting Norfolk up for sale on the internet auction site ebay.

The county was apparently selected ‘because of its proximity to Europe’ and thus the relative ease with which any new owner might be able to tow it to France for shipment elsewhere. The bidding starts at £75 billion.

Insiders say that having alienated Liberal Democrats across the country, Clegg is now desperate to impress his last supporter – David Cameras-on.

“David is on holiday,” Clegg told reporters, “but guess what – by the time he gets back I will have balanced the budget. Selling Norfolk will get Britain back on its feet.”

While Norfolk’s MP’s stormed out of the Commons in protest, reports have been flooding in of militias forming to defend the county against the sale.

“What if the Taliban buy it?” said Barbara Rhodes, head of Great Yarmouth’s residents association. “They might turn Norfolk into a bloody great bomb and then chuck it back into the Thames Valley. No one’s thought of that, have they? The people of Norfolk will fight this every step of the way, and if that means wheel clamping Norwich then wrapping the whole county in chains attached to an anchor the size of Guernsey – then bring it on towel-heads because we ain’t budging!”