10 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Festival

Best and worst gags from the Edinburgh festival, as announced today by comedy channel Dave.

1. I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (Tim Vine)

2. I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone. (David Gibson as Ray Green)

3. I picked up a hitch hiker. You gotta when you hit them. (Emo Philips)

4.  I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say “bought” – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid. (*Jack Whitehall)

5. As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. (Gary Delaney)

6. Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day. (John Bishop)

7. What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names. (Bo Burnham)

8. Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted. (Gary Delaney)

9. For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty. (Robert White)

10. Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…(Gareth Richards)

Some of the biggest groaners include:

1. Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side. (Sara Pascoe)

2. You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap? (Sean Hughes)

3. I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the point isn’t it? (Gyles Brandreth)

4. I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price. (Doc Brown)

5. I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge. (John Luke Roberts)

6. I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it. (Sarah Millican)

7. Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs. (Bec Hill)

8. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan. (Dan Antopolski)

9. Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window? (Andi Osho)

10. My mother is always taking photographs of me; she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news. (Gareth Richards)

11. I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them. (Emo Phillips)