New planet for footballers ‘ready by 2018’

After their high-profile failure to buy Brazil, FIFA announced today that they are taking their project to house the world’s footballers into space.

With additional investment from Coca-Cola and Nike, FIFA have bought Planet 432987/x.100, and have set a date for the completion of its atmospheric transformation, as well as the ironing out of certain legal issues, by late 2018.

To be renamed ‘Planet Football’, it will be made available to those players and FIFA executives who earn over £100,000 a week. Residents will be ferried by space shuttle to their lavish cosmic apartments, dotted around the planet’s only land mass which has been re-shaped to look like a boot.

“There will be massive tellys in every room,” enthuses Clifford Jackson, one of the project’s directors, “and I’m not just talking bathrooms and bedrooms. I’m talking in the toilet, in the airing cupboards – everywhere. Tellys. Massive, massive tellys.”

 Other features include Cristal-filled swimming pools and tattoo parlours fit as standard. Planet Football will be tax-free and without any tabloid newspapers or genuine fans. All prostitutes will work under license and have their tongues removed.

 “We are simply building a godlike world,” Jackson continues, “in a godlike fashion for these godlike people.”