Treasury launches £9 note

UK News: With the country in fiscal turmoil, George Osborne has announced a new measure that the Chancellor hopes will provide some much needed consumer stimulus – a £9 note.

Hot on the heels of the introduction of the topless pound coin, the Royal Mint will be issuing these new notes as from today, which bear the faces of Lily Allen and Stephen Fry. 

“It is a modern banknote for modern times,” the Chancellor insisted during a particularly rowdy session in the House of Commons. “While reflective of our austerity budget as a whole, the core idea behind the £9 note is that the consumer will not feel they are spending as much – and will therefore be more inclined to go and spend it.”

Dismissing claims that the new pound coin and the £9 note were both gimmicks, the Chancellor replied that the could only be seen as gimmicks “if money itself is a gimmick, and I am not qualified to answer that question. Let me simply repeat that these are tough times and as such they require tough decisions – and if that leads to an £18.50 note with Nora Batty on one side and Wayne Rooney on the other, then so be it.”

It was left to newly-appointed Treasury spokesman Jeremy De La Boltine to defend the details of note’s launch, and in particular the choice of celebrities.

“We chose Lily Allen because she is a pop princess,” De La Boltine told reporters, “which we feel promotes a more cash-nautical, now-pro message than either the real Queen or a pop queen like Celine Dione or Cher.”

“Older women smell of bats – that’s not anybody’s fault, that’s just the way it is – and they are not going to inspire people to buy CDs, booze and bread knifes. Plus let’s not forget that what we are witnessing here is the birth of a new monetary concept. Lily Allen is pregnant, and nothing symbolises birth better than birth itself.”

“We chose Stephen Fry because we are the treasury and he is a national treasure. Added to that you have the fact that he is a one-man stimulus package when it comes to the purchase of iphones and other gadgets. Stephen Fry brings an avuncular dignity to the tweetyblogoverse. He is like a chesterfield sofa on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.”

For more government schemes to cheat the deficit, click here

To see how the government will sex-up the economy like an Iraq War dossier, click here