This week’s TV

TV NEWS: Winter approaches. It seeks to put its ragged coat upon your back and then lead you into a service station toilet somewhere on the M4. Guard against the weather’s improper advances this week with The Poke’s top TV tips.

I’m desperate….get me some exposure! (ITV)

The return of the nation’s favourite Torture Garden, where minor celebrities will humiliate themsleves for a chance at a few extra daytime TV appearances and an extra book sale. This show will now be on all day, all the time, forever.

Panorama: The Man with a Rat for a Penis (BBC 3, Tuesday, 8pm)

Following the incredible story of William Hoxworth, born with a rare genital condition that left him with a rat for a penis. After a tiny muzzle to stop the gnawing just got messy, Mr. Hoxworth travels to Toky for some last-chance therapy, desperate to avoid surgery. Will a plastic vagina stuffed with plague balls do the trick?

Derren Brown: For God’s Sake – Live. (C4, Wednesday, 10.30)

Derren Brown attempts his most daring feat yet – to read God’s mind and then tell us about it, without moving his eyes.

The Real Touch of Frost (ITV7, Thursday, 10pm)

Hypothermia sufferers act out their favourite moments from the much loved David Jason detective show.

Can’t Lactate, Won’t Lactate (Bravo, Friday, 11.45)

Donal McIntyre follows two new mothers in this terrifying documentary. Rachel has trouble expressing milk. Carol simply can’t be bothered.

TESSA Come Home (BBC2, Saturday, 8pm)

A story of love and loss in the late nineties. Tom has to come to terms with TESSA leaving him, but is soon smitten with a sexy newcomer, ISA – but can she offer everything his old love did? You will laugh, you will cry – a sound investment of both time and money.

Marriage of Convenience (C5, Saturday, 9pm)

Members of the public battle it out for the chance to be married in a public toilet at Sawbridgeworth railway station. Harold Pinter presents.

Catch It If You Can (C5, Saturday, 10.30)

Celebrity guests enter an airtight chamber and are subjected to a range of common, and not so common, free radicals. This week H5N1 avian flu makes a return. Geoff Capes might be a tough old guy, but does he have a strong immune system to match his burly physique?

Kangaroo Court (Sky1, Sunday, 2pm)

Successful rebranding of the Australian Open tennis tournament.