Simon Cowell™ Version 7 released for beta testing

Entertainment Technology News: Simco Limited, in association with X Factor sponsors Talk Talk, have released the newest version of their popular vocal analysis engine Simon Cowell™. Version 7.0.0.001, which now bears the sponsors’ logo and runs on an impressive 2-terabyte hex-core processor, is expected to be rolled out for judging tests this Sunday.

Improved features include:

• 1.2 extra cubic feet of headspace, allowing for larger memory of middle-of-the-road artists for benchmarking
• An extra40,000-word vocabulary of snarky put-downs
• Cutting-edge face and mannerism-recognition software, ensuring split-second categorisation of contestants
  worthy of an extended run of ritual humiliation and derision
• Higher trousers.

The release has faced mixed reviews.

Critics are calling Cowell.7 a ‘lumbering, unseemly’ product, with a substantial loss of the already very glitch-prone personality system, conveniently targeted at the lower end of the populist’ jeopardy’ market just weeks before Christmas.

Others are hailing it as a ‘judicial revolution’ and the standard by which arbitrary profiling of desperate human beings will be measured for years to come. While speculation continues as to whether Apple intends to join the market with a competitor model, the iSharon, Simco officials heralded Cowell.7 as ‘the most sophisticated A.I. media impresario development in years’ capable of outperforming the leading cultural management probot, Murdoch version 14.

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