Jeremy Clarkson ‘may have to be dismantled at sea’

Pollution News: Experts expressed their fears today over the problems of decommissioning Jeremy Clarkson safely. It’s predicted Clarkson will become redundant to everyday needs as early as Christmas, and scientists are already addressing the issue of how he might be dismantled.

“The tiny but regular toxic leaks emitted on a fairly regular basis by Clarkson are as nothing to what may happen when he eventually enters a full decommission phase” says Professor Jack Edwards of Keele University.

“When, in the late seventies, the Clarkson concept was constructed, nobody could have foreseen how dangerous it might be in meltdown. We need to deal with this prospect before Clarkson becomes unpredictable. We have to learn the lessons of Chernobyl, Florida, Bhopal and Russell Brand. Clarkson is widely regarded within the field as a disaster waiting to happen.”

Despite likely environmental protest, floating Clarkson into the Pacific, dismantling him, and then sinking the core to a depth of 20,000 metres remains the most favoured plan. Injecting him into underground rocks has also been discussed.

Edwards, who is rumoured to be in charge of secret schemes to dismantle the Duke of Edinburgh and eventually Scary Spice, explained “The safest solution would be to forcibly jettison an unstable Clarkson out of the earth’s orbit. The only reason not to do that – other than cost – is that he would enjoy it.”

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