Prince Andrew: ‘I punched a fat child off a wall’

Royal News: Prince Andrew cemented his current unpopularity yesterday by admitting ‘yes, I punched a fat kid off a wall. So what?’

The embattled Prince, who’s been drawing criticism from all sides for his friendship with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, his performance as UK trade envoy and any mistake made by his ex-wife, decided he was ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’ and wanted to graduate to ‘a full-blown public villain’.

“I think it’s just easier for everyone,” the Prince told reporters.

“People don’t know whether to think I’m foolish or ill-advised or misunderstood or just a bit pissed all the time. Well now I’ve made their minds up for them – I’m bad. I’m nasty. I’m the Wicked Prince of Windsor. I saw a fat child eating some chips on a wall and I punched his little face in.”

“He fell backwards and started crying while I just cackled and flew into my horse-drawn carriage, driven by a man with no face, back to my castle hideaway.”

Asked whether he felt any remorse about the incident, Prince Andrew just laughed.

“Next week’s going to be even better,” he said. “I’m going to shoot and old woman in the knees with my air-rifle. Then myabe I’ll boil a cat.”