Queen fakes supermarket opening

Royal News: Fed up with all the attention being on her grandson and his forthcoming marriage, Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II turned up at a Morrisons in Bournemouth this morning – and faked a supermarket opening.

“We’ve been open for 10 years,” said manager Ed Turle, who was alerted to the incident when the Queen started drilling a plaque to the wall.

“I couldn’t believe it. There she was. Bold as brass, mumbling about ‘that Middleton girl’ and drilling into our wall. Ridiculous. The plaque says she officially opened the store today, but we opened in 2002 with a couple of clowns and a chair-o-plane.”

The Queen arrived in what witnesses describe as ‘a lime green beach buggy’.

“She even had her own scissors and ribbon,” added Mr. Turle, “and she smelt of gin.”

“It was bad enough when she smashed a bottle of champagne against the wall – who’s going to clean that up? – but then she stopped customers going into the shop with a twenty minute speech. The negative effect on sales is, I think, beyond doubt.”

Buckingham Palace has acknowledged the incident, but denies it was because the Queen is ‘jealous’ of the spotlight being on Will and Kate. In a statement issued to the press, the Palace says that ‘Her Majesty is often required to attend opening ceremonies, and as such has a right to practice.’

By Peter Winters