‘Widespread steroid abuse’ amongst zoo gorillas

Zoo News: After months of denial, London Zoo was forced into the humiliating admission today that steroid abuse is indeed ‘widespread’ amongst its gorilla population.

“Gorillas have always been known for their vanity,” said head zoo keeper Giles Kerr. “When you add this to the demands that constant public scrutiny makes on an animal’s self-image, it’s meant an explosion in performance-enhancing drugs, particularly anabolic steroids, that I am afraid we have struggled to control.”

“The outward signs – impressive abs, aggressive behaviour, hanging on the bars for days on end – are all too obvious. Unfortunately, the actual interception of drugs coming into the zoo in the first place has presented a real challenge to our existing security measures.”

“Surveillance has showed us that the steroids are generally brought in at night by squirrels from Regent’s Park. We find vials and syringes during morning muck-out and sometimes the remains of a squirrel that has been ripped apart. This is evidence, so we believe, of where a deal has gone wrong and a junky monkey’s gone ape shit.”

“Punitive measures are a tricky area as, frankly, the gorillas are already locked up.”

“At this stage our priority is to stop the habit spreading to other primates because let me tell you – you’ve got an orangutan in a ‘roid rage, you’ve got a problem.”