Steven Seagal pledges to be famous again by 2015

Celebrity News: Jowly straight-to-video action star Steven Seagal has vowed to be back on top in the international fame stakes within 5 years.

Troubled by non-recognition from children under 10, confused stares from those in their early teens, and total disinterest from a new generation of nubile babes, he is determined to reclaim his crown as “Hollywood’s top star with some kind of martial arts background or something”.

Seagal admits that he has been complacent in recent years: ‘I am the best. I will always be the best.

But I have made some poor choices. Like Total Humiliation 3. And the seventh Under Siege – the one set in a KFC – that was probably a mistake.’

The slick-haired slothario insists that a lack of upcoming acting jobs is not going to hamper his plan: ‘By 2015, all will know the name of Steven Seagal. Even if I have to go door to door.’

[Write to Steven Seagal at 203 Palisades Apartments, Hazbein Ave, West Hollywood, CA 93884 to let him know what time you will be in, and if evenings are convenient. Indicate if you would like these details passed on to Dolph Lundgren.]