Gaddafi: “I’m safe in Pakistan”

Gaddafi Latest: Colonel Gaddafi, standing on a ladder and shouting down to journalists over the wall of a familiar-looking compound somewhere in Pakistan, taunted NATO and the rebels today saying: “you’ll never find me.”

The compound, which he claims to have got ‘second hand’ from friends in the Pakistan security services is, he maintains, “100% hidden and 100% safe”.

“You idiots thought I was still in Libya? Tripoli is a shithole! I have been here in the mountains since March, making my broadcasts and painting pictures of myself.”

“There is no way anyone will find me here. I’ve got plenty of food, plenty of booze, plenty of hummous, plenty of ladies. There are a few weird red stains in some of the rooms – but what kind of compound doesn’t have weird red stains? A gay compound, that’s what.”

The journalists and photographers has been blindfolded and driven to the outer wall of his new home. As the former leader tried to get some reception for long-distance call to IKEA and Ocado, he shouted down that there was “no way” he would “ever concede defeat”.

“They want victory? Only when Muammar Gaddafi is dead will they have their victory – and I am alive! The best they can hope for is a draw.”