Constant pushing ‘does make the queue go faster’

Queue News: New research has shown that ceaselessly nudging the person in front of you in supermarket queues will definitely speed things up.

The research, which involved a team of 150 scientists jostling people in queues in supermarkets across the country, vindicates people who are always nudging you in the back with their trolley or basket.

“For decades we simply thought these people were just impatient bastards,” says senior researcher Tony Taint. “But it turns out they had the right idea all along.”

The survey found that standing as close as possible to the person at the checkout speeds up the queue by at least 45%, as does loudly tutting them if they fail to get all their shopping into a bag in less than ten seconds.

The team behind the study are now expected to widen their research, to see whether obnoxiously waving a tenner at bar staff gets you served quicker in pubs.