Time Team resorts to homicide

TV News: Filming of the next series of soothing archeology show Time Team has dug up a chilling secret, in contrast to the usual disappointing series of small walls.

Excitement grew during production of Episode Two, with the discovery of what was thought to be a beautifully preserved grave of a Roman Centurion, just outside Tidworth. However, early carbon dating tests showed the body was in fact that of missing Southampton prostitute Hayley Bannon.

The discovery lead to the arrest of the entire Time Team cast. An unrepentant Phil Harding was heard to shout as he was bundled into a police van: “I’d do ‘er again!”.

In their defence producer Graham Dixon issued this statement: “It’s not just a steady decline in interest in archeology, with shows being pushed back to ever more obscure digital channels. There just isn’t any of the stuff to dig up anymore”.

“Imagine getting the go ahead for a six part series all you’ve got is 123 Anderson Shelters full of old bikes and compost”.

The bodies of recently murdered street workers have since been discovered at the Cerne Abbis Giant in East Sussex, Wookey Hole Caves and Anne Hathaway’s Cottage.

“Holes in the format were evident as far back as the late nineties,” admits Dixon: “As soon as we found anything, ‘it must be a sacred site’ our Pavlovian ‘expert’ would hack out. In truth we didn’t have a fucking clue. It could’ve been a toilet for all we knew.”

Wiltshire police may face an inquiry themselves, after ignoring a report three years ago that described presenter Tony Robinson’s frequent visits to the Travelodge off the A36/A350 Bypass, ‘just to wash his hands’.

“His knees were muddy and he always seemed very out of breath.” receptionist Lucy Naylor observed. 

Story: Dave Anderson