‘Cocaine Yoga’: new diet craze sweeps nation

Diet News: As everyone rushes to burn off the excesses of the festive season, a new underground diet craze is sweeping through the UK – and doctors are warning it could have fatal results.

The consumption of two or three grammes of cocaine followed by a long yoga session has been fashionable for some time amongst dancers, newsreaders, and other professionals who need to lose weight fast.

With some claiming they can lose up to two stone in an hour and a half, this dangerous diet has caught on fast; a quick internet search throws up countless blogs and forums full of people in such a hurry to get thin that Cocaine Yoga is their ‘only hope’.

“I was driving to Liverpool to meet my fiancee,” says Lorraine Helm, 32, from Bristol.

“It was an arranged marriage done purely for cash as he was an illegal immigrant. We had never actually met, and on the way there I suddenly thought ‘what if I’m too fat and he says ‘no thanks, love’ – how embarrassing would that be!”

“So I drove into the nearest Trusthouse Forte, scored a few grammes of coke and did yoga for four hours. I’m sure I lost several kilos, and despite the nosebleed the wedding ceremony was a really happy occasion.”

And it’s not just the ladies. “I’ve been doing Cocaine Yoga for five months now,” says Crispin Coleman, 29, from Lancashire.

“Basically I love cocaine and I love yoga, so when I read on the internet that people were putting them together I thought ‘genius!’.”

“I stopped eating about three weeks ago and I’m so thin now that people in the street just stop and stare in awe. It’s a fantastic feeling, euphoric really, with some hallucinations and occasional vomiting.”

Medical professionals, however, have issued a stark warning that Cocaine Yoga is at best fun, at worst fatal.

“Of course we all want to look thinner at this time of year,” says Dr. Angela Ritter of University College Hospital, London.

“But trying to execute a ‘downward dog’ while your jaw is slides around like Torvil and Dean in a panic is, medically speaking, a shit idea.”