Putin to travel back in time to kill rival’s ancestors

Europe News: Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today vowed to build a time machine in his garage, then travel back a hundred years to kill the grandparents of his rivals and anyone else he thinks needs taking care of.

Putin, who is seeking to win back his old Kremlin job in a presidential election this Sunday, was speaking to reporters at his weekly bear-wrestling event.

Putin promised to go into the workshop of his garage this weekend and build a time machine out of scrap metal and parts from an old TV.

He said it would only take an afternoon, because he is ‘pretty awesome at building things’ and a ‘master of science’.

Putin will then travel back to some point in 1912, where he intends to track down the relatives of each of his rivals and kill them with his bare hands, thus eliminating any opposition from the time stream.

Story: Simon Swatman