Rail passengers to be given numbered tattoos

Transport News: The Government were on the offensive over rail reform again today, announcing a new efficiency initiative that would see all passengers given a numbered tattoo by 2016.

“We intend to deliver more value and better levels of service,” said Transport secretary Justine Greening. “In order to improve efficiency each passenger will have a unique identifying number tattooed on their arm, and to increase capacity trains will no longer have seats. Or windows.”

Other reforms including hosing down passengers with cold water in a bid to improve hygiene and having armed guards to shoot some passengers in order to keep the number of complaints down.

Transport unions have expressed fears up to 12,000 jobs could be lost as a result of the reforms, a claim which the Government has dismissed.

“It’s nonsense, we’ll still need rail workers to dig the graves for the unfortunate passengers who didn’t survive the journey,” said a spokesman. “Although now I think of it, we could always get the surviving passengers to dig the graves.”

Story: Simon Swatman