Jeremy Kyle pregnant, multiple potential fathers

TV News: Millions of viewers of The Jeremy Kyle Show got a little more than they bargained for today, when the host revealed that he is pregnant – and he’s got no idea who the father is.

During a studio discussion entitled ‘Am I Pregnant Or Just Fat?’, Kyle was berating yet another unfortunate woman before he himself broke down in tears, admitting that he is now carrying more than just a BAFTA for ‘Most Consistent Hairstyle’.

The show then sensationally turned around as host became subject, with resident psychotherapist/Heston-Blumenthal-lookalike Dr Graham persuading him to expose all in front of the jeering audience he once had under control.

Gasps of shock reverberated around the studio as he sobbed: “My unborn child has countless number of potential fathers. At the end of the day, I’ve stretched the limit of human endurance, as well as other parts of my body, and I’m not proud.”

After a series of lie detector and drugs tests, Kyle was found to have alcoholism, a fake-tan addiction, a tenner stolen from his grandmother’s purse, three ASBOs and dangerously high levels of marijuana, heroin, bath salts and Pez in his system.

But while fans worry that his career may now be over, others have welcomed the news.

“Millions of mornings are wasted across the UK from people watching his show,” explained leading economist Sue Gaskell. “His maternity leave alone is predicted to bring the UK’s growth in line with China’s.”

Story: Daniel Ford

Image: Q4Nobody