Aldi unveils plans for ‘most unpleasant shopping experience yet’

Shopping News: Supermarket chain Aldi have unveiled bold new plans that promise going to one of their stores will be the ‘most unpleasant shopping experience yet’.

The German-owned company plans to open 40 new stores by the end of 2013 and promise that all of them will be like ‘hell on earth’, complete with crying children, angry staff and the lingering smell of death in the air.

“Customers demand cheaper groceries and we intend to see how this demand fares when our stores are even more unpleasant,” said Aldi spokesman Dirk Unangenehm.

“You thought shopping at Aldi was uncomfortable with one couple having a heated argument in front of a giant stack of pasta sauce? Try doing your shopping when the store has fifty arguing couples. We also promise that every aisle will be home to a child having a screaming tantrum over some biscuits that it’s mother won’t buy it.”

Unangenehm also says Aldi staff will be making a major contribution to the unpleasant shopping experience.

“From the start of 2013 staff won’t ask if you would like a bag, they’ll simply tell customers to go fuck themselves. How do those unbranded cheese triangles taste now, bitch?”

Story: Simon Swatman