Daily Mail launches ‘immigration weather’ forecast

Rage News: The Daily Mail is to launch an ‘immigration weather forecast’ as part of a raft of initiatives designed to boost traffic to its website.

“Whether it be a light shower of Africans, a storm warning over Eastern Europeans or indeed an ‘Indian Summer’, we want to provide readers with the graphic truth about what’s going on in this country,” says editor Paul Dacre, “in a fun way.”

Several attractive female celebrities have been linked to the project, and insiders say that management are keen to replicate the mix of serious news and cleavage-heavy thumbnails that has made their homepage such a success.

“Immigration flows are much like weather systems,” Dacre continues, “and if you’re a Daily Mail reader in London, Yorkshire or Cornwall, just as you want to know whether you can do the gardening tomorrow, you may also want to know if your community is about to be flooded by rapists and scroungers.”

With paedophile and celebrity scandal forecasts also planned for later in the year, Dacre says this proves that the Daily Mail is ‘planning for the future of news’.

“Our vision is that one day you’ll be able to download all your opinions from an app. Isn’t technology marvellous?”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody