New Pope Resigns After Just Ten Minutes

Vatican News: Pope Francis I has spectacularly quit the papacy, after only ten minutes of the Vatican’s compulsory office induction.

“I was showing Pope Francis round the office, so he knew where the stationery cupboard, health and safety poster and coffee making facilities were,” said Cardinal Fuga Veloce. “Then after only ten minutes of office orientation he asked to use the bathroom. Half an hour later I went to check on him, only to find the window in the toilets wide open and no sign of the Pope.”

A handwritten note, scrawled on some toilet paper, was later found next to one of the sinks. It simply read “I’ve made a gigantic mistake. Ave et vale – Jorge.”

Unconfirmed reports say he was later seen hotwiring a scooter he’d stolen off a teenager and was making his escape towards the coast.

“It certainly came as a shock,” said one stunned Bishop. “The embers in the oven we burn the votes in hasn’t even got cold yet.”

Story: Simon Swatman