‘Colossal’ Squid Blames Scientists For Poor Body Image

Nature News: A 40-foot-long squid says it has been left with ‘severe body issues’ after being named the ‘colossal squid’ by the scientists who discovered it.

“Being called colossal isn’t great for your self-confidence,” said the squid. “They could have chosen dozens of other terms than colossal – the ‘robust squid’ or even the ‘big boned squid’ would have been much kinder alternatives.”

The squid says being labelled ‘colossal’ means it now has a difficult relationship with food – unsuccessfully trying a range of crash diets – and almost always wears baggy, loose fitting clothes.

“I have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom, but did these cruel scientists choose to focus on that? No, they named me after my big fat useless body,” said the squid.

“I know there aren’t any mirrors 7,000 feet under the Antarctic Ocean – but sometimes when I catch a reflection of my huge body in a fish’s eye before I eat it, I could just shrivel up and die.”