Open Kitchen Cupboard Door Eager To Taste First Blood

Accident News: An open kitchen cupboard door has yet to taste human blood, but is confident someone will smash their face into it any day now.

The cupboard door – which is situated at perfect face-height and is often wide open during cooking – says that it anticipates hard, painful contact with a human skull any day now.

“They do like to cook and I’m always open when they cook. I have to be – I’m full of ingredients!” said the door. “It’s only a matter of time really, probability is on my side.”

The door maintains that its hopes of smashing into someone’s face are in no way malicious.

“They’ve lived here for three months and in many ways I feel like I don’t even know them. I don’t want them to end up with brain damage or anything, I just want us to bond. A bond written in their blood on my inside.”