Legends of Old Critical of Today’s ‘Total Legends’

Legend News: The ancient legends of myth and saga have hit out at the total legends of today for their relative lack of achievement.

Prometheus, speaking from the rock he is chained to in Hell, said: “I stole fire from the Gods and gave it to mankind. Is it really fair that I bear the same title as Macca, who shagged this bird and her mate in the same night?”

Beowulf agreed: “I slew Grendel and his monstrous mother, but apparently my feats are as nothing to the time Fat Alan ate not one but two KFC bargain buckets after a big night and didn’t throw up. Truly, Vahalla is become a haunt of fools.”

The modern legends are equally unimpressed with their older counterparts. Dave Ten Pints said: “I had a few drinks with that Orpheus and fuck me, what a soft twat, strumming his lyre and going on about his ex-girlfriend. Stay home mate, leave it to the professionals.”

But not all legends feel the same. Odysseus said: “It took me and the lads ten years to get home from the Trojan Wars because we were blind pissed and in no real hurry to see the wife. Me and these new lads are getting on famously.”

Story: Tom Whiteley