68% of Middle-Aged Cocaine Users Take It ‘To Clean The House’

Drugs News: A revealing new study published today claims that 68% of cocaine users between the ages of 35-55 mainly use the drug ‘for housework’.

“I don’t really like parties any more,” said one mother-of-four. “There’s no where to sit down and I can’t hear a thing.”

“When I buy cocaine these days it’s because I’ve got a massive spring clean to do, or I’m facing a pile of ironing that’s taller than me.”

A much under-reported phenomenon, parental drug use was highlighted last year as thousands admitted to getting stoned before helping their children with homework otherwise it was ‘too fucking boring’.

“It’s when my own parents are coming round that I most need cocaine,” said one 40 yr-old IT manager. “Where else would I get the will and enthusiasm for the kind of deep clean that will satisfy my mother?”