Royal baby will unite Britain, according to those getting ready to hate Lefties

Royal News: The baby born to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge yesterday will bring Britain together, say newspaper commentators already preparing to publicly vilify anyone who doesn’t agree.

Journalists including Melanie Phillips, Kelvin McKenzie and the critically insane James Delingpole are touring the UK shouting that the whole nation has come together to cheer the birth of a future king while desperately searching for a left-wing republican they can start a fight with.

Peter Hitchens said: “Like any decent person, I was absolutely delighted to hear the news and poured myself a large brandy while frantically scanning the BBC’s coverage for any mark, however small, of disrespect.

“I didn’t get the goods there but thankfully I’d heard of something called Twitter, where I was outwardly horrified and inwardly absolutely delighted to see people who didn’t have exactly the same opinions I do. The column wrote itself.”

Media commentator Warren Hitch said: “It’s not easy getting excited about a baby you’ll never meet which will only be on stamps after you’re dead, so many people choose the easier option of working themselves up hating imaginary people who represent everything they loathe.”

“Ironically the only way they can truly feel a sense of patriotism and togetherness is by joining together in hatred of the other side. They’re a lot like Guardian readers in that respect.”

Story: Tom Whiteley