Season Of Excess Finally Over, Man Defecates Actual Cheese

Guts News: A 41 year-old man from Crowborough, Sussex, defecated a sizeable wedge of real cheese yesterday as the season of excess finally drew to a difficult close.

“I could feel it breaking off into a crumbly bits on the way out,” said Paddy Stanford.

“But it was only when I looked down that I realised it was a genuine block of fromage. The smell was quite unnatural.”

Stanford, who admitted to subjecting his digestive tract to ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ over the last two weeks, said his stomach had ‘felt like it had metal in it’ since December 28th.

“Little did I suspect that it was the machinery of an actual dairy churning rich food, alcohol and Gaviscon into some kind of unholy anal stilton.”