Nostalgic Masturbator Wistfully Flips Through Littlewoods Catalogue

Onanism News: A middle-aged masturbator took a trip down memory lane yesterday, after nostalgically flicking through the lingerie section of the Littlewoods catalogue.

“Back in my day masturbation was so much classier – you had to use your imagination,” said the man to himself, as he sat alone in his living room mournfully leafing through the lingerie and swimwear sections of a Littlewoods catalogue.

“Modern kids must be overwhelmed with choice – they can see all manner of free, eye-watering pornographic material on their laptops or phones. Back in the golden days of banana buffing you had limited choice – either something like the Littlewoods catalogue, or if you were really lucky you’d find some abandoned top-shelf tug material in a hedge.”

“Young masturbators these days just don’t know how lucky they are. In my time you’d have to have an older brother if you wanted to see anything explicit. Now you just need a 3G sim with an unlimited data plan.”