Everything to come with a free cuddly toy

Consumer News: All goods and services sold in the UK will soon come with a free cuddly toy, to ‘strengthen brand loyalty’ and pacify millions of infantile cretins across the country.

“I do got a lickle wickle fluffy monkey, he can rub his tummy-wums with his handy wands and if you give me a sweetie I will let you play with him!” said Martin Willis, 47, a barrister from Manchester who bought some home contents insurance purely to get the toy.

Controversially, HM Revenue & Customs will also send a cuddly toy to everyone who is self-employed and has filed a tax return on time, at an estimated cost of £9 million.

“I used to get really stressed and worried about doing my taxes every year,” said one builder from Nottingham.

“But now I can clutch a cuddly ‘Terry the Taxpaying Turtle” to my chest as I watch my bank acount drain away to minus fuck all, so I can really chill out a bit.”