50 Twitter Jokes That Will Brighten Your Day
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have something seriously wrong with you then please see a doctor. But whilst you are on your tea break at work, hundreds of people are writing silly little jokes to brighten your day for free. Here are some of our favourites.
(The following are in no particular order)
1.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
2.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) May 23, 2013
3.
If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they're someone new entirely. You don't have to say hi
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 3, 2014
4.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
— Mat (@MatCro) December 30, 2013
5.
https://twitter.com/jazmasta/status/388377785754222592
6.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013
7.
https://twitter.com/Twitflup/status/438788391745118208
8.
https://twitter.com/adamhess1/status/438310264921145344
9.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 17, 2015
10.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 14, 2015
11.
https://twitter.com/bea_ker/status/538534136722374656
12.
https://twitter.com/vornietom/status/546623564628369409
13.
"Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."
*shakes tambourine*
"Got any others?"
*shakes tambourine*
"Sounds a lot like the last one"
— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) August 15, 2014
14.
https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/254660079930970112
15.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
16.
Women's deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow
Men's: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) December 1, 2014
17.
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/570369059281248257
18.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
19.
"If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
— Sacha Fernando (@sacha_is_good) March 21, 2014
20.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 13, 2015
21.
So many pigs seem to die while eating an apple.
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) October 14, 2013
22.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
— October Jones (@OctoberJones) September 15, 2010
23.
If there's one thing the The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me, it's that eating too much will one day make you beautiful.
— Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) February 1, 2013
24.
"Can I pet your dog?"
Sure, his bark's worse than his bite
[dog bites three fingers off]
"WHAT THE"
[dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 13, 2015
25.
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014
26.
"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me."
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
"TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"— batkaren (@batkaren) March 7, 2015
27.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool— Joe West (@joejwest) March 2, 2015
28.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) August 17, 2011
29.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
30.
https://twitter.com/the_no_show/status/477520000157483009
31.
https://twitter.com/RuthePhoenix/status/466883416911540224
32.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 28, 2014
33.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him 🙁 He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) November 28, 2012
34.
https://twitter.com/chribhibble/status/203489188862103555
35.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
— Lydia Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) July 11, 2014
36.
It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) October 11, 2014
38.
https://twitter.com/alicewhitey/status/286660080731037696
39.
technically you're not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i'll get some water
— zoë bread (@zoebread) June 9, 2014
40.
https://twitter.com/kerihw/status/488629188388454400
41.
Bae: come over
Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren't home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) November 17, 2014
42.
Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
— cluedont (@cluedont) August 15, 2014
43.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
44.
*Dogs on coffee break*
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
*Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*
— Brian M. M. Doyle (@WritePlay) March 10, 2015
45.
The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he erect a penis.— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 9, 2014
46.
Last night my mate asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book.
The future is stupid.
— Dean Burnett (@[email protected]) (@garwboy) August 3, 2014
47.
My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.
I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) December 19, 2012
48.
Mate, you're a bagging area, how unexpected can my item be?
— ophelia (@annabel_lea) March 24, 2015
49.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
50.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 10, 2013