7 easy ways to keep spiders out of your house

Poke Staff. Updated September 18th, 2015

With false widow sightings on the rise and the autumn months bringing spiders from the garden into your home, here are some simple ways you can stop an arachnid house-invasion. (Warning: this post contains two pictures of spiders)

1.
Spiders love dark corners - so live in a house without any corners. Live in a sphere instead.

2.
Read aloud a chapter of any Dan Brown book. The one-dimensional characters and poor plotting will drive them from your home within minutes.

3.
Conkers are a traditional remedy against spiders - simply fill a small paddling pool with conkers and sleep in that, to ensure spiders don't caress your face while asleep.

4.
Encourage the spider to leave by attempting to engage it in a passionate, patriotic discussion about wearing a poppy in November.

5.
Spiders like dusty places - and 70% of household dust consists of human skin. So make sure you don't tempt spiders inside by removing all your skin.

6.
Make repeated romantic gestures towards the spiders - the atmosphere of unresolved sexual tension will prove too much for them.

7.
Try using vinegar - drink as much of it as you can until you end up in hospital with severe gastrointestinal problems - hospitals are incredibly clean places and as such have very few spiders.