George Osborne demands Tron-style digitiser so he can fight cyber terrorism from inside the internet

The Chancellor has given a speech demanding that UK scientists develop a laser scanner capable of digitising him so he can fight cyber-terrorism from within the internet itself.

Osborne used a speech at GCHQ – known as Britain’s ‘listening post’ – to pledge that he would soon be scanned by a laser, similar to the one depicted in the 1982 film Tron, so he can personally go ‘cyber toe to cyber toe’ with ‘cyber terrorists who hide in the dark cyber recesses of the cyber internet’.

The Chancellor is set to double UK funding to fight cybercrime to £1.9bn over five cyberyears, most of which is expected to be spent developing a powerful digitising laser that can act as conduit by which Osborne can pass from the real world into the GCHQ cyber system.

“When I am inside the internet I will bring the cyberfight to them, crashing their websites, corrupting their bookmarks and making their browsers slow and unresponsive,” said Osborne.

“In the meantime I will be training for my new mission, by locking myself inside my office and playing Fallout 4.”