‘Once in a lifetime’ weather events to now happen annually

Extreme weather events that occur only once every hundred years will now happen on a yearly basis, it has been confirmed.

“Over the weekend Storm Desmond brought a completely unprecedented amount of water across northern England and parts of Scotland,” said a government spokesman.

“Unprecedented that is apart from the floods of 2007, 2009, 2012 and the winter floods of 2013-14. But apart from that, this weather event is truly a once in a lifetime event – if you measure the average lifetime as lasting around twelve months.”

“And due to the fact these storms are a strictly once in a lifetime phenomena, we see little point on spending millions protecting homes and business in the flood prone areas.”

“This is the fourth once in a lifetime flood I’ve experienced,” said one man with a house full of raw sewage.

“That must mean I’m over 400 years old – if this is the result of carbon dioxide heating the atmosphere and oceans then I’m all for it!”