Simply 21 of the best Victoria Wood one-liners and jokes

Normal Bates. Updated April 20th, 2016

Terrible news today that much loved comedian Victoria Wood has lost a “short battle with cancer” and is no longer with us.

To celebrate her life and work – here’s simply 21 of of her great jokes and one-liners:

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

We’d like to apologise to our viewers in the north…………it must be awful for them.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.

A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.

Sexual harassment at work… is it a problem for the self-employed?

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

I haven’t got a waist. I’ve just got a sort of place, a bit like an unmarked level crossing.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”

Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.

I sometimes think that being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the Pill.

I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.

I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Tony Blair puts two poems in a bus shelter and calls it a university.

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.

It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We’re vegetarians.

Life’s not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.

When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”

I’m all for killing animals and turning them into handbags. I just don’t want to have to eat them.

And finally… who could forget her signing her brilliant composition, “Let’s do it”

And this guy on YouTube pretty much sums up what everyone feels: