Rail companies to offer reduced fares in exchange for commuter’s first born child

With the average train fare rising by 2.3% – nearly six times more than than their European counterparts – many commuters say they are struggling afford the hefty price of an annual season ticket.

“We appreciate that the rising cost of fares poses a problem for some commuters, so we have worked with train companies to formulate a plan to ease their financial burden,” said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling.

“Simply present your first-born child when buying your season ticket, and you will receive a 1-4% discount on the fare depending on the size and cuteness of your offspring.”

“Young, adorable children will result in the largest discount – while older children who seem distant and sad because their parents are always home late due to the trains not running will only be worth the smallest price reduction.”

The Department for Transport has yet to clarify the exact fate of the children exchanged for discounted tickets, but it’s thought they will be offered senior jobs at Southern rail.