Theresa May cancels plan to ‘return to campaign’s core theme’ when she realises she doesn’t have one

The Conservative election machine has been forced into a major rethink on the last day of campaigning, after a last-minute realisation by Theresa May that there was little or no substance to their entire campaign.

The error is first thought to have been noticed when the PM re-read her party’s manifesto and was heard to declare in an uncharacteristically high pitched and whiny voice, “There is nothing of any value in here”.

She later ran into the supply cupboard and refused to emerge for nearly two hours, until coaxed out by a close aide.

Plans for focusing on solid policies which didn’t exist, and well-costed plans that were nowhere to be found, have now been ditched in favour of empty platitudes, scaremongering, and repeatedly reading aloud the front page of the Daily Mail.