Kern’s Corner: There’s nothing more boring than the threat of nuclear war

I’ve been asked to write about the threat of nuclear war but I’m not really that fussed.

Do any of us really care?

Nuclear war is such a boring, dry thing that our parents or grandparents generation might have been into.

It doesn’t speak to me.

We are the generation that put pictures of our penises and vaginas on the internet. This is who we are.

If we’re going to be sufficiently moved by a potential apocalypse it needs to feel more modern and contemporary.

We’ve got iPhones for Christs sake.

This shit is just dry.

The only reason we might show a passing interest in the talk of nuclear war is cos it gives us something to write about on Facebook or twitter and to maybe attach a sad emoji too.

No one really cares if there’s a nuclear war.

I don’t care what anyone says – nuclear war is just boring. It’s proper dull. We may as well be talking about William Gladstone – or GCSE crap to do with the repeal of the Corn Laws – or kids working in loom factories. It’s stuff for old people. The kind of shit that the dead guy from Countdown might have been into or that dead guy who wore a monocle and spoke about stars and stuff.

Nuclear war is for boring dead people who masturbated in the 1940’s – not hip modern people who masturbate in a way that our parent’s generation will just never understand.

We are the generation who share pictures of our genitals to Snapchat and we don’t care – we don’t have time for nuclear war.

This is our time and we are making our mark.

Nuclear war is for pensioners. It’s tough to get scared about something that your parents would have been into.

It’s just not a very exciting thing to write a Facebook status about.

That gorilla that got shot was better than this.

That lion that got shot was better too.

They were good weeks online.

If another gorilla or lion got shot in the dick then I could get into that.

But nuclear war is the kind of thing that could only excite a generation who have never had to send a dick pic with a job application.

I guess Trump and Kim Jong-un are showing their age.

Give us a holocaust we can relate to, you dinosaurs.

LEE KERN
Lee is a writer and comedian.

You can follow him on Facebook

Read last week’s column about why decent people must boycott the Edinburgh Festival.

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