Simply 27 funny one-liners from the legendary and already missed Ken Dodd

With the media reporting the sad news of the passing of Ken Dodd we thought we’ve ask you to remember him by the way he’d like to be remembered: for his jokes.

Here’s 27 of his best.

1. “My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson’.”

2. “An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.”

3. “Doctor, ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50.’ ‘From which direction?”‘

4. “Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.”

5. “Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.”

6. “Honolulu: it’s got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”

7. “How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.”

8. “How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.”

9. “I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”

10. “I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.”

11. “It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed” Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre.

12. “I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma.”

13. “It’s ten years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back.”

14. “Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50.”

15. “Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese”, on approaching his 80th birthday.

16. “Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life standing in the dark in your trousers all day.”

17. “So this fellow tells the doctor, ‘Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.’ The doctor asks, ‘What do you take?’ ‘Pepper’.”

18. “The French didn’t object to British beef in 1940.”

19. “The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”

20. “My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, ‘Is this a joke?’.”

21. “You think you can get away, but you can’t. I’ll follow you home and I’ll shout jokes through your letterbox”

22. “Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer photographic playboy and failed accountant.”

23. “I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I’d love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I’ll be united with my money.”

24. “The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.”

25. “In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.”

26. “Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted’.”

27. “I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.”

Miss you already Ken. You were one in a million.