Simply 25 of the week’s funniest jokes
13.
Mad how it's called Brown Sauce and that's it, no mention of the type of flavour, just brown and that's fuckin it, don't try an get fancy, just put it on your sausage and shut up
— Stephen (@Stephenlough95) April 3, 2019
14.
15.
movie plot:
a moth is an aspiring fashion designer but must overcome his habit of eating his own work— Nathan W Pyle (@nathanwpyle) April 3, 2019
16.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 4, 2019
17.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 28, 2019
18.
One of the worst things about moving flat is finding out about all the creatures you’ve been living with that you didn’t know about. So far I’ve found mouse droppings, moths, a massive spider, a tiger, two house elves, four other tenants, a secret meth lab and a cyclops.
— Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) April 4, 2019
19.
Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price. Who is heavier than Katie Price. As I discovered on this Price comparison website
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) April 4, 2019
20.
Jesus, I’ve put on a ton of weight — *munches bag of crisps* — look at that. Where did that come — *devours half a pack of biscuits* — from. Must be my metabolism slowing — *destroys a Maccy D’s — as I get older. What — *scoffs an entire cow* — a mystery this is.
— Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) April 3, 2019
21.
I only have 1 twitter rule that I live by.
I can't think of it right now, but it's a good one.
— Benny 'Bluesky' Rollins (@citizenkawala) April 4, 2019
22.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he's ready for the rice now
— Joel the Forklift! (@grillyjoel) March 31, 2019
23.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) April 1, 2019
24.
"They said my grandad had a face that could stop traffic."
"Really? Was he that good looking?"
"No, he looked like a lollipop"— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 2, 2019
25.
[Stranded on a deserted island with my kids]
Day 1: We’ve got enough snacks to last us at least 2 years.
Day 2: We’ve run out of snacks.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 3, 2019