Simply 93 very funny tweets to make your day better
Simply 93 very funny tweets to make your day better.
1.
Irish Film Classifications
G: Grand
PG: Mostly grand but sure you know yourself
12: Might be a bit of shifting
15: Shifting, implied riding, lads getting a box in the mouth, a few bad words
18: Riding, young wans in the nip, heads blew clean off, and the LANGUAGE out of them— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 31, 2018
2.
the book I ordered from Ikea arrived! pic.twitter.com/dDjUfaHozn
— Ditz McGee 🇨🇦 (@DitzMcGeee) September 3, 2019
3.
“Tonight’s main story: my outfit looks like balls and a cock, peeing. More at 11” pic.twitter.com/KyW2SZ3uac
— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) January 5, 2019
4.
is it because of transfats pic.twitter.com/EQTSs1eF2r
— The Gregory Brothers (@gregorybrothers) January 10, 2019
5.
Sure the veneer of civilization seems to grow thinner every day, but we are living in the golden age of milk alternatives
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 13, 2019
6.
[Pitching Scooby-Doo]
WRITER: So it’s a show about a talking dog.
PRODUCER: Dogs can’t talk tho.
WRITER: Well he has a significant speech impediment.
PRODUCER: Ah, of course. Carry on then.— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 13, 2019
7.
I have genuinely found a post-it note in our dictionary. Because how else will they find that word again? pic.twitter.com/OIb5uccuAc
— DrLes Sloss (@DrLes) January 15, 2019
8.
that’s her ear pic.twitter.com/ooywn27IVb
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) January 21, 2019
9.
Me as a kid: ugh why do grownups talk about the weather so much
Me now: this is my 17th least favorite type of rain and lemme tell you why
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) January 23, 2019
10.
After hearing how eating too much red meat & drinking alcohol effects your body I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to.
— Paul (@bingowings14) January 29, 2019
11.
We’re going house hunting later.
It’s really easy, they’re massive, and they don’t move at all.— Neil (@_Enanem_) November 18, 2019
12.
In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp— Dave Gibson (@MrDaveGibson) February 5, 2019
13.
For someone who probably lets about £40 of vegetables rot in the fridge every week, I sure am frugal when it comes to not throwing away hard little slivers of goddamn soap.
— Ashley Davies (@MsAshleyDavies) February 12, 2019
14.
What an utterly terrifying combination of words pic.twitter.com/5YaAlQaFPh
— ChrisPianity (@ChrisPurchase) February 20, 2019
15.
“how do i explain to my child that a boy can become a girl” i dunno dude slip it into that story about the man who lived inside a whale and see if that’s the new information they struggle with
— rob (@robwhisman) February 21, 2019
16.
I can’t help feeling like maybe the BBC PR team haven’t quite thought this through pic.twitter.com/TH2fDnSDa6
— Jess Brammar (@jessbrammar) February 25, 2019
17.
*rolling down window* yes, officer what seems to be the problem?
Officer: You brought a car door into a police station…
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) February 28, 2019
18.
Fresh Postman droppings: it’s so rare to see them in the wild these days. pic.twitter.com/ZRmUSxoP50
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) February 27, 2019
19.
Essex town has existential crisis. pic.twitter.com/5dUx5oFmqU
— Avian Face-Tool ❄ (@Beakmoo) March 2, 2019
20.
Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn’t agree about who should go on first.
— Jason (@NickMotown) March 6, 2019
21.
Good morning to everybody apart from former contestants on Deal or No Deal? who believed that thinking positively and holding hands would change the contents of a fucking box.
— Flatulent Fox (@FattusAntus) March 4, 2019
22.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.— Prince Ali 🇵🇸 (@SulzAli) March 5, 2019
23.
Got a 2nd pair of jeans before the 1st pair got a thigh-hole worn into them. Am I part of the 1%?
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) January 4, 2019
24.
Just been to a baby massage class. I can recommend it. Babies have surprisingly strong fingers, & refreshingly little chat
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) March 7, 2019
25.
Received an email from the AA titled “Driving abroad after Brexit, Mr. Sinha?” and now I can’t get the Dad’s Army theme tune out of my head.
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) March 11, 2019
26.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) March 13, 2019
27.
My mum bought three Derry Girls calendars in the supermarket today, which would have been fine only she left me alone at the checkout and I had to pay for them so I looked like I was just mad about myself pic.twitter.com/cpgBT6pCLa
— Nicola Coughlan (@nicolacoughlan) November 16, 2019
28.
Just found out my Mum is actually Daniel Day Lewis preparing for a role
— Laura (@fairycakes) March 16, 2019
29.
ME: *seductively* and this is where the magic happens…
[opens bedroom door]
[100s of white rabbits escape]
[doves scatter frantically]
[half a woman mouths ‘Help me’]— Marty awrence (@TeaAndCopy) November 14, 2019
30.
God: [puts P L A T Y P U S on Scrabble board]
Angel: That’s not a word
God: It is
Angel: What is it then?
God: It’s um…
[starts rummaging through a box of offcuts]
it’s a…— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 27, 2019
31.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 26, 2019
32.
The perfect shade of lipstick is apparently the same colour as your areola. In other news, I’ve just received a lifetime ban from the Whitby branch of Boots.
— Cromerty York – Voiceover & Voice Actor🎙️ (@Cromerty) April 2, 2019
33.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.— Just Sally (@MustardSally1) April 8, 2019
34.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child pic.twitter.com/xVgCR5ivdo
— James Colley (@JamColley) April 8, 2019
35.
Doctor: “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.”
Pagliacci (in full clown makeup and costume clutching his arm which is bleeding profusely): “Doc, I just told you, the circus lion attacked me.”
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) April 9, 2019
36.
Angel: “What have you done to this duck”
God: “I GAVE IT STEROIDS AND METH”
Angel: “WHY”
God: “I CALL IT A GOOSE”
Angel: “WHY IS IT SCREAMING AT ME”
God: *downing another jager bomb* “FUCK YOU”— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) April 10, 2019
37.
When life gives you colons… pic.twitter.com/2WMoKNFFcp
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) April 15, 2019
38.
Friend: What did your wife do just before she had the baby?
Me: She went “FUUUUUUUUCK!” and a bit of poo came out.
Friend: I meant work wise.
Me: oh, book keeping.
— Baby Jesus (@JCautomatic) April 24, 2019
39.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying for anything
— Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) April 22, 2019
40.
When you’ve had it with men pic.twitter.com/AMp3t7nWrm
— Sanaa (@sanaajatoi) April 19, 2019
41.
OOH! A NEW EMAIL! I WONDER WHAT THAT… oh, it’s the file I emailed to myself a millisecond ago.
Every fucking time.— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) April 26, 2019
42.
This has to be libel pic.twitter.com/LUos7eaKmq
— Karl Minns (@karlminns) April 23, 2019
43.
Extremely proud to be the Pfa player of the year trophy pic.twitter.com/DkZ5yDjWpn
— Peter Crouch (@petercrouch) April 29, 2019
44.
been there pic.twitter.com/QcTWsvgfVD
— Erika W. Smith (@erikawynn) May 5, 2019
45.
Not with that rhythm. pic.twitter.com/o5EU8CZLmu
— Molly Endorfman, MD, MPH (@eameschair) May 5, 2019
46.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 14, 2019
47.
the actual riddle of the sphinx was “without googling, name literally any character from Avatar, the highest grossing movie of all time”
— blank (@alexkealy) May 14, 2019