Simply 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians to help take the edge off
35. Ronnie Corbett
“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
36. Joan Rivers
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.”
37. Ivor Dembino
“A waiter approaches a table of Jewish diners as they finish their meal and says: ‘Was anything right?”
38. Gary Delaney
“When I heard you could do sperm donations by post I came in a jiffy”
39. Stewart Lee
A protest vote for UKIP is like shitting your hotel bed as a protest against bad service, then realising you now have to sleep in a shitted bed.
40. John Bishop
“For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk – but very, very slowly. “
41. Tommy Cooper
“I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”
42. Dylan Moran
“I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”
43. Stephen Grant
“I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.”
44. Benny Hill
‘Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.’
45. Alan Carr
“I got on the property ladder. It’s bloody murder getting that deposit together, isn’t it? You start having dark thoughts don’t you? You start looking at your mum and dad thinking: If only they had an accident…. I’ll put cheese-wire across the door. ‘Mother come quick, things to shred!'”
46. Ross Noble
“I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.”
47. David O’Doherty
“I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble. “
48. Chris Rock
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
49. Victoria Wood
“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.”
50. Peter Kay
“I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?”
51. Matt Kirshen
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
52. Bill Bailey
“Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”
53. Joel Dommett
“If you arrive fashionably late in crocs you’re just late”
54. Bridget Christie
I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine.
55. Ian Smith
“If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.”
56. Andy De La Tour
“If you’ve half a mind to vote UKIP, don’t worry, it’s all you need.”
57. Rhys James
“Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time.”
58. Axel Edelman
“My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.”
59. Joe Bor
“My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.”
60. Mitch Hedberg
“No matter how good you get at Tennis you’ll never beat a wall.
61. Kai Humphries
“People say I’ve got no willpower. But I’ve quit smoking loads of times”
62. Alun Cochrane
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”
63. Jeff Green
“They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty.”
64. Richard Pryor
I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
65. Jimmy Carr
“Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.”
66. Darren Walsh
“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”
67. Maff Brown
“When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again”
68. Yianni
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”
69. Henning Wehn
“With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work. “
70. Bob Monkhouse
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
There you go, 69 comedians doing 69 jokes.
What? You say it’s 70 comedians doing 70 jokes?
Well, we thought the number 70 lacked innuendo and we thought we’d give you one.
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