Our 25 favourite jokes from this week – and not a mention of coronavirus
13.
On this day 1981: Chariots of Fire is released. pic.twitter.com/SmXHOUT94g
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) March 30, 2020
14.
You can't just walk in here and make references to 80s musicians willy-vanilli.
— Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) March 30, 2020
15.
This may surprise you, but it is actually legal to say "out" without adding "and about"
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) April 1, 2020
16.
“RETURN OF THE JEDI IS A BAD FILM WITH POOR CHARACTERISATION AND WEIRD PLOTTING. YOU ONLY LIKE IT BECAUSE OF THE SPEEDER BIKES AND BECAUSE YOU WERE 7 WHEN YOU SAW IT, AND NOSTALGIA IS A HELL OF A DRUG” pic.twitter.com/wnfg5qfG2b
— Greg Jenner: 'DEAD FAMOUS OUT MARCH 19TH!' (@greg_jenner) March 29, 2020
17.
Help I have been texted by 700 cows pic.twitter.com/YACujtEJHY
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 31, 2020
18.
Part of Alice's junior school project is 'how children used to live' so I'm sending her to the shops to get me 10 Embassy.
— Rob Chapman (@rcscribbler) April 1, 2020
19.
Cop pulls over a car. Passenger winds down the window – he's an Ancient Egyptian mummy. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm very drunk." "What about him?" asks the cop, pointing to the mummy in the driving seat. "Oh good heavans no," says the first mummy, "He's the dessicated driver."
— David Quantick (@quantick) April 1, 2020
20.
So, Lisa, you lead a glamorous showbiz life. How is that?
Thanks for asking, Dermot. This morning I threw my shoulder out trying to take a picture of the bottom of my foot because I'm worried I've got a verruca and then cried because my yogurt has gone mouldy. I'm truly blessed.
— Lisa Holdsworth 🌹 (@WorksWithWords) April 2, 2020
21.
live action Lion King isn't live action. it's a different type of animation. don't call it live action until you've successfully directed several lions and a meerkat.
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) March 9, 2020
22.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they're mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they're named after renaissance artists
— Pessimus Prime – Professional Soya Milk Drinker (@BigJDubz) April 2, 2020
23.
I like my men like I like my Norfolk primary schools pic.twitter.com/mSwkCWfxam
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) April 2, 2020
24.
birds do it
bees do it
even educated fleas do it
let's do it
let's piss off cats— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) April 2, 2020
25.
People make fun of Sally Field's character in Mrs. Doubtfire for not seeing through Robin Williams' ruse but accusing your nanny of secretly being your ex husband disguised as an elderly british woman is the sort of shot you don't take unless you're 100% certain
— Quarantaniel (@ItsDanSheehan) March 31, 2020
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Need a laugh? 25 funny things from this week
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