13 top tweets from the very funny Joe Heenan to brighten your day

Comedian Joe Heenan is one of those Twitter stalwarts that we can’t imagine not following. His account is a treasure trove of laughs and topical takedowns that we highly recommend as a digital tonic for the nerves.

To truly appreciate his posts, you’ll really need to go and check them out for yourselves, but we’ve gathered some highlights.

He’s got a real way with captions.

1.

"Mate, could you get us a walnut whip & a packet of 10 Regal? I'll square you up when you get back" pic.twitter.com/7hmqxGy2Md

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 9, 2020

2.

"Put the body in the trunk & we'll dump him in the river" pic.twitter.com/AZlLn0iaGW

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 8, 2020

3.

"Tony, you're on mute mate. We can't hear you" pic.twitter.com/zAZo2WlrFB

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 10, 2020

His takes on lockdown life are relatable, but very funny.

4.

Me: Here's an empty box mate, let your imagination run wild

(10 minutes later)

Me: Fuck sake pic.twitter.com/cPSK06Goph

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 17, 2020

5.

My son lost a tooth last night.
I just saved myself £2 pic.twitter.com/4AGJneitcu

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 2, 2020

6.

The kids are missing their granny so I've arranged a substitute pic.twitter.com/5q4SsDWU0c

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 4, 2020

7.

My 4yr old son is crying cause I cut his peanut butter on toast into rectangles instead of triangles & rectangles don't taste as good as triangles.
Only a few more months of lockdown to go

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 4, 2020

Politicians, beware. He takes no prisoners.

8.

"I told you to go to the COBRA meetings.
All you had to do was turn up, you could have played Candy fuckin' Crush during them.
So what the fuck didn't you do?"

"Go to the COBRA meetings" pic.twitter.com/IOtLI7TOdp

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 20, 2020

9.

Mate, if this was 3 months ago you pricks would have taken away his pension & declared him fit for work pic.twitter.com/vtt6erF5lS

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 18, 2020

10.

Priti Patel said shoplifting is down from last year.
Incredible news, also dodo poaching has been eliminated & the illegal selling of dial up modems has been stopped.
Congratulations to the Tories for these magnificent achievements

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 25, 2020

If nature’s your thing, these handy field guides are second to none.

11.

Here's a handy guide if you're in the garden & see a butterfly pic.twitter.com/ArBKPOewyo

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 5, 2020

12.

Another wee guide for you if you're out in the countryside for a walk pic.twitter.com/BqahhqYDYz

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 10, 2020

13.

Here's another guide if you're out for a walk today & you see a bear pic.twitter.com/J7YiqU9Spz

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 13, 2020

Bonus:

Supermarket wouldn’t accept my debit card!
What the hell is going on? #Visa pic.twitter.com/PTuSi0Ic5R

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 1, 2018

Thanks, Joe.

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Image Joe Heenan