Entertainment

The spoof version of Mark Francois’ self-published Brexit memoirs is hilariously believable

Oonagh Keating. Updated December 7th, 2021

Last week, James O’Brien asked this question of his Twitter followers and his LBC listeners.

Spoiler alert – it was a trick question, because they’re all true – and the alleged bias of all UK publishers, including all those owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, is that they’re just a big gang of lefty Remainers.

Here’s Mark Francois explaining this to The Telegraph’s slightly sceptical-sounding Christopher Hope.

Even if he had managed to secure a publishing deal, there would have been a certain amount of mockery for a book with the title Spartan Victory: The inside story of the Battle for Brexit. The self-publishing angle certainly didn’t help.

The reviews were mixed, although at this stage there aren’t many of them.

Even this five-star rating came with some caveats.

Without a doubt one of the most remarkable books I have ever read. Francois was undoubtedly a significant figure throughout the Brexit saga and it is right that perspectives such as his should be recorded.

At the same time it is notable that Mr Francois is not a natural author. Almost every paragraph contains examples of the Accidental Partridge phenomenon – not least his recollection of his now legendary stare-off with Will Self and subsequent media appearances discussing the size of his appendage.

This is a book that isn’t going to win any literary awards – you can certainly see why it was rejected by publishing houses resulting in its self-publication. Equally that doesn’t mean that it lacks importance from an historical perspective.

This one was a little more entertaining in its own right.

It’s possible to read a sample of Spartan Victory on the Amazon website, but we preferred this version by the anonymous but very funny satirist, THE SECRET TORY.

In case you missed any of that –

April the ninth. Zero seven hundred. The phone rings. It is Steve Baker.

“Mark. Thank God. Brexit is in the balance. They’re trying to keep us in the EU against our will.”

“Steve. My father Reginald Francois stormed seven beaches before climbing into a Spitfire and shooting down three Focke-Wulf 190s on D-Day. I wasn’t trained to lose.”

I jump instinctively to the bedroom floor of my five-bed detached Barratt new-build with carport. I spent twenty-five hours leading Apocalypse Delta Force, two-time runners up in the Essex Masters Paintball League, in an Epping Forest Ardennes re-enactment yesterday. I ignore the light bruising. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. And a nation is depending on me.

A cockroach scuttles across my Bomber Command duvet. I deliver a precision karate chop with an overtrained left hand. It reminds me of Michel Barnier. I lift it to my mouth and crunch on the head of the unelected exoskeletal bureaucrat.

After thirty minutes of retching I head downstairs for my morning repast of Monster on Sugar Puffs. I set the microwave to count down ten minutes. I aim to eat, discharge ballast and put on a C&A polyester shirt and Royal Anglian Regiment tie in this time. I stop the microwave with five seconds to go, imagining I’ve defused a nuclear warhead like James Bond. Half a million lives saved by breakfast. Classic Francois.

I grab the essentials – car keys, leather driving gloves, Wagon Wheel – and run to the Range Rover like it’s a Hurricane and I’m being scrambled. I kiss the picture of Mrs Thatcher behind the sun visor and activate the keyless ignition.

Riding into battle in an ice white Evoque 2.2s with appearance package, it’s hard not to imagine I’m King Leonidas. But then a battered Citroen Saxo thinks it can cut me up at the Fortune of War roundabout. Saving the country will have to wait. I tailgate the bastard the full length of the A127.

I arrive at Westminster and park in a disabled bay – as a highly skilled spec-ops operative, a bootlegged blue badge is essential.

I swagger inside. The EU aren’t going to know what hit them. Ursula Von Der Leyen is Xerxes and this is her Thermopylae. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but when you’ve got Bill Cash, Des Swayne and John Redwood by your side, anything feels possible.

I sit down and put a Peperami behind my ear. As RAF Duxford retractable biro hits House of Commons headed notepaper, inspiration. I begin writing:

Perfidious Albion on Speed….

There was nothing ambiguous about the reviews of the spoof version.

THE SECRET TORY shared this quote tweet.

Classic Francois.

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Mark Francois’ letter to Michel Barnier suffered a hilarious takedown via the red pen

Source THE SECRET TORY Image Harry Cole, THE SECRET TORY