25 favourite funny tweets of the week
13.
I’m not saying this clock the wife got from Kmart is shit, but the alarm didn’t go off this morning and the time is now 9:77 pic.twitter.com/fORGAUyhGw
— Liam Sheedy (@Sheeds1984) August 14, 2022
14.
establishing dominance by climbing in the shopping cart and crying until the kids push me around the store
— barrel rolls (@barrel_rolls) August 15, 2022
15.
Two-word horror stories:
Eye contact
Lunch meeting
No biscuits
Live chat
Surprise party
Planned engineering
Sing along
Conference call
Signal failure
Price cap
Team building
Energy bill
Leadership race
Unexpected item
Microwave tea
Meter reading
Pop round
Quick word
Tax return— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 16, 2022
16.
-Excuse me, I bought these cat robots yesterday, but they aren't working
-That's a pair of slippers
-They sleep all right, but I honestly thought they'll do more— Μαρια Κιτρινη (@greek_heanen) August 16, 2022
17.
I've got two wolves inside of me and they were delicious.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) August 18, 2022
18.
Me, on a cooking show*
Host: Open your baskets
Me: Can I get a bandaid? I cut myself on this banana
Host: How?
Me: Ope, can I get another? I cut myself on the bandaid wrapper
— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) August 18, 2022
19.
In my defense Facebook didn't alert me it's my wife's birthday.
— JusTmagnifica (@jusnoyar) August 17, 2022
20.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
— The Writer’s Mysterium (@writermysterium) August 17, 2022
21.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
— its steeve again (@steeve_again) August 16, 2022
22.
imagine a crab coming out of the sea pressuring you to kiss a girl you just met two days ago in a jamaican accent
— bbqueen (@ngocbbuii) August 17, 2022
23.
The thing I like about these signs is not only that the guy is falling but also that he is cursing God as he falls. pic.twitter.com/Ax8a5r78lz
— Grimm (@grimmreality) August 18, 2022
24.
Just checked into Air BnB in Wales. This is how folk horrors start isn’t it? pic.twitter.com/J9r9VdxNCR
— Tim Coleman (@fatscoleman) August 15, 2022
25.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
— PUNS (@ThePunnyWorld) August 16, 2022
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25 favourite tweets of the week
Image @pollybirkbeck, Screengrab