Heard the one about the talking vagina? Here’s a wonderful tale from 14th Century France (NSFW)
Over on Twitter, the always marvellous Vagina Museum have shared a captivating tale from 14th Century France involving a knight, some wish-granting fairies and, yes, talking vaginas.
With a talking anus chucked in for good measure. It’s quite a wild ride.
So. Are you sitting comfortably? Let us begin…
1.
If a medieval French vagina could speak, what would it say?
We actually have the answer to this. Allow us to tell you the tale of The Knight Who Could Make Cunts Speak.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
2.
“Le Chevalier qui fist parler les cons” is a fabliau (a usually-bawdy story in verse written by jongleurs to entertain) It was written by an author called Garin, included in manuscripts dating to around 1340.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
3.
The story starts with an unnamed knight and his squire, Huet. The knight has fallen on hard times, and sold or pawned his possessions, including his armour, cloak and weapons. The knight wants to compete in a tournament to earn money: Huet reminds him he doesn’t have any weapons.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
4.
Huet, being the brains of the operation, comes up with a scheme to secure the money to get the knight’s weapons out of pawn: he sees three beautiful women bathing in a fountain and steals their clothes with the intention of selling them.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
5.
The knight is Not Happy with this plan. He insists that the clothes are given back to these women, and gives his squire a dressing down in front of the women. The women turn out to be fairies in disguise.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
6.
In gratitude, the three fairies bestow gifts upon the knight to help him achieve riches.
The first fairy gives him the gift of always being enthusiastically welcomed wherever he goes, a fairly normal and immediately obviously useful gift.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
7.
The second fairy gives him the gift that if he speaks directly to a vagina, the vagina will be compelled to speak back.
The third fairy adds to the second fairy’s gift: if a vagina is in some way incapacitated and unable to speak, the person’s anus will be able to talk to him.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
8.
You probably think the second and third gifts bestowed upon the knight by the fairies are a little weird. Readers, so did the knight. He was both embarrassed and baffled by being granted the gift of being a Doctor Doolittle of orifices.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
9.
The knight goes to a village and he receives an ecstatic welcome. He meets a rich priest who invites the knight and squire to stay with him. As the first gift has been shown to be true, he decides to try out his ability to talk to cunts, and speaks to the priest’s mare’s vagina.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
10.
The mare’s vagina immediately begins singing like a canary. It tells the knight that the priest is carrying a large sum of money that he’s going to spend on a nice dress to give to his mistress.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
11.
The horse vagina speaks audibly. This frightens the priest, who runs away as fast as he can, dropping his cloak and money as he goes. Our knight now has a cloak and some money, thanks to the second gift.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023
12.
The knight and squire now approach a castle. Once again, they receive a very warm welcome. Everyone runs up and is hugging him. The count himself gives the knight a great big kiss on the mouth. The countess isn’t quite so full-on… but she is horny for the knight.
— Vagina Museum (@vagina_museum) February 22, 2023