Entertainment

Whoever wrote this 1979 horoscope had a cruel but funny streak

Poke Staff. Updated May 21st, 2023

If you ever take a glance at your horoscope in the newspaper, you can mostly expect to see things like ‘Watch out for opportunities today. They could be life-changing.’ or similar suspiciously vague predictions.

Back in 1979, however, one horoscope writer went straight for the jugular – and no star sign was spared. These are very much NSFW.

In case that’s tricky to read – here’s what it says.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you’re stupid. Everyone thinking you’re a f***ing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are followed by the FBI or CIA. You have no influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dip****.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are the pioneer type and think that most people are d***heads. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a pr**k.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a damn Communist.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap b*****/b****.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a s***. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born reader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies, you are vain and can’t tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving and mother f*****s and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are the logical type and hate discord. This s***-picking is sickening to your friends. You’re unemotional and often fall asleep while f***ing. Virgos are good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are nil. Most Libra women are w****s – all Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and can’t be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b****. Most Scorpios are murderers.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon is a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickens***. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Did it nail your sign? These people seemed to think it did.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

To be fair, this was probably the original motivation, too.

READ MORE

The Horoscope column in today’s Metro is worth a read

Source @SexyClarissa3 Image @SexyClarissa3, Alexas-Fotos on Pixabay