Simply 19 of people’s favourite one-liners to help take the edge of just a little bit

Over on Reddit people have been sharing their favourite gags after MrMidnightDiamond asked this.

‘What is your best joke?’

And it turned into a proper delight. We’ve read them all – well, quite a few of them – so you don’t have to and here are our favourites.

Word of warning though – you might want to get a cracker or two to go with all this cheese.

1.

‘A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here”?
pee_diddy

2.

‘My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.’
sharrrper

3.

”And the Lord said unto John, ‘come forth and receive eternal life’, but John came fifth and got a toaster.’
SmegB

4.

‘Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?

‘So that they can Scandinavian.’
SuggestionFlaky9337

5.

‘Guy trying to get hired at a farm, and the farmer says “Have you ever shoed a horse?” The guy says “No, but once I told a donkey to f-ck off.”
Nackles

6.

‘I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.’
shelledtortoise

7.

‘I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.’
Jakesta42

8.

‘How do you tell the gender of an ant?

‘Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats …’
Nearby_Departure_119

9.

‘What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

‘People from Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.’
parker72001

10.

‘Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building. The first one opens his lunch box and goes “Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I’m going to jump!”. The second one opens his lunch box and also goes “Man, another turkey club sandwich. I can’t stand it anymore. If it’s the same tomorrow, I’ll jump”. The third worker opens his lunch box, sees a meatball sandwich, and like the others he says he’ll jump if he has to eat another meatball sandwich.

‘The next day the three men open their lunch boxes. The first one got a tuna sandwich. He writes a goodbye note and jumps. The second got a turkey club and does the same. The third sees he has a meatball sandwich and follows them.

‘At the funeral the wives of the three men meet. The first one weeps and says “If only I had known! I would have made him something else!”. The second wive is angry and goes “He never told me he wanted something else! If he had just talked to me!”. They notice that the third wife just looks sort of confused, so they ask her what’s wrong.

‘She replies: “I just don’t get it. He always made his own lunch.”
DefinitionInner4325