Celebrity

Joe Lycett sent an open letter to Suella Braverman offering to help ‘weed out’ asylum seekers pretending to be gay and it’s magnificent

Poke Staff. Updated October 4th, 2023

You might remember a few days back home secretary Suella Braverman said some asylum seekers pretend to be gay when coming to the UK in order to ‘game the system’.

Braverman has also said that fearing discrimination for being gay or a woman should not be enough to qualify for refugee status.

And we mention it again because the great Joe Lycett has responded today with an open letter to the home secretary.

The comedian and TV presenter and much else besides shared not on Twitter just as Rishi Sunak stood up to deliver his Conservative party conference speech on Wednesday.

And here it is again, just in case that’s tricky to read in full.

“For the attention of Rt Hon Suella Braverman KC MP, Wednesday 4th October 2023.

“Dear Home Secretary

“I am contacting you on an urgent matter as I was very interested to read your claim that asylum seekers are attempting to abuse the immigration system by pretending to be gays (sometimes known as batty boys).

“I too am disgusted by men pretending to be gay and think we should weed out this scourge from our society. I know for example that Alan Carr is actually married to a foul woman called Sandra, and that Rylan does triathlons.

“Like you, I believe in bold and radical change, and also that sometimes you just have to stamp on a dog. I have devised a plan that will eradicate all those fake sausage noshers and massively reduce successful asylum applicants.

“All immigrants will be excluded from the UK UNLESS they can prove that they are gay (to me). With my newly registered company Homo Hunters, I will spearhead this project to reduce the bumbardment of immigrants and enmesh our island with foreign homosexuals.

“The project is both a business and personal venture for me. I know full well that aside from unimportant contracts like PPE procurement and making classroom roof beams out of mint chocolate Aeros, the government expects the companies they work with to have long term, actual experience in their field. I have been investigating fake gays for years, in real life but mainly on Instagram. A Moss Bros suit doesn’t get past me. Nor does an erect cock!

“The full ass-essment criteria I will use is trademarked but I am happy to disclose one tactic in this letter. Applicants will be escorted into a room with three tables.

“On the first table is a Lady Gaga CD, on the second table is a fleece from M&S Blue Harbour and on the third table is a naked twink called Carlos (or Steve).

“If the applicant tries to have sex with any of these things, they will be determined gay and warmly welcomed into the country. If they attempt to wear the M&S Blue Harbour fleece, mention crypto, VPNs or MMA, they will be inhumanely destroyed.

“I am in awe of you, your work and your gall. Naysayers might froth that as the child of immigrants it seems strange that you would want to clamp down so ferociously on immigration, but I disagree with those woke likely-nonces: just because you or your family have benefited from a system doesn’t mean that system should not be smashed to bits.

“For example I am vehemently against people pretending to be gay simply to achieve a better life, despite that being exactly what I did to progress in showbusiness.

“I look forward to hearing from you GURRRRRL.

“Pada Padam, Joe Lycett.”

And we’ve read all the early responses – well, quite a few of them – so you don’t have to and here are our favourites.

It’s not the first time Lycett’s taken aim at Braverman, of course. Remember this? After the home secretary’s Rwanda deportation deal was ruled unlawful by the Court of Appeal …

Never stop, Joe.

And in the unlikely event you don’t already, follow @joelycett on Twitter here!

Source Twitter @joelycett