“What’s different in the MAGA Bible?” – 17 unholy ideas
You can’t have missed the news that Donald Trump is flogging ‘American’ bibles at $60 each. It’s going to take a lot of bibles to get him to the $175m he needs to pay in a week, but who knows? Perhaps he’ll be granted a miracle.
With the not-exactly-pious former President peddling the amended Good Book, Michael Harriot wondered how the MAGA crowd might change the text if they could get away with it.
What’s different in the MAGA Bible?
I’ll go first:
1. Adam & Eve get off welfare by rejecting govt handouts & regulation
2. Noah’s Ark uses MERIT-based admission instead of Affirmative Action & DEI
3. David defeats Goliath by exercising his right to bear arms
4. Jesus is White https://t.co/pX8jd9LxYQ— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) March 26, 2024
Twitter/X got its thinking cap on and came up with these suggestions.
1.
We must outlaw Christ Resurrection Theory because it makes sinners feel bad https://t.co/Ozx6I2D3YG
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) March 27, 2024
2.
Instead of feeding the poor, Jesus tells the poor to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
— Jeff Brown (@jeffmeister777) March 26, 2024
3.
The Good Samaritan called the cops on the traveller for loitering and they cleared him off the Jericho road with a firehose
— Lisan al-Gary (@garydunion) March 27, 2024
4.
Ok, I’ll play…
Jesus appealed and delayed his trial until Rome fell and he was awarded the coliseum as compensation which he promptly turned into a private club for his most loyal followers…..— Michael Kee (@MichaelKee1906) March 27, 2024
5.
Judas didn't "betray" Jesus, he simply received a lateral job offer to become a government contractor and received a bonus in crypto and NFTs for turning State's Evidence https://t.co/ETsyJ630fa
— ⚜️ FAAFO Jacqueline Smith ⚜️ (@MzSailiante) March 27, 2024
6.
Only the people who paid $200 per plate got any loaves and fish.
— Adam Maloney (@cannibalgnome) March 27, 2024
7.
Barabbas was wrongly imprisoned, held hostage even, and in no way an insurrectionist.
— Stephen Venable (@wstephenv) March 26, 2024
8.
5. Jesus welcomed the money-lenders.
6. The 10 Commandments are conspicuously absent.
7. The New Testament is noticeably shorter after everything about caring for the sick and poor is removed.
8. Inexplicably all references to sandals now say Trump Sneakers.— rangecard (@rangecard) March 26, 2024
9.
They hate their neighbors.
— Spice (@Spicxer) March 26, 2024
10.
Solomon couldn't get with that beautiful ebony woman.
Jesus is wealthy instead of humble. Has many homes, tents and camels.
And those female leaders… all of those stories are gone.
— Jadah (@gsurgeon) March 27, 2024
11.
The scroll Jesus reads from in Luke 4 was actually written by Ayn Rand and instead of Isaiah's Good News, Jesus simply read "Ltd Gov't Wins". The Nazarene's didn't kick him out of town, but elected him Mayor and He defunded the local library to buy tasers for Nazareth PD. https://t.co/wPZb724lnr
— Malachi Tribe (M.A.Careeey) (@liduponmyhead) March 27, 2024
12.
When Ananias and Saphira got caught lying about giving everything, instead of being struck down a voice from heaven said
"Well done my good and faithful servants!"
— JamRock41 (@Rock41Jam) March 27, 2024
13.
Mary and Joseph are deported.
— Fani Willis is Sending 45 to Prison (@wsucpa) March 27, 2024
14.
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are too challenging to pronounce and they won't even try so they switched them to Shane, Merle, and Archer. pic.twitter.com/a6l0II9HkO
— Andre Daughty (@andredaughty) March 27, 2024
15.
Jesus won the Nazareth regular and senior club championship.
— Adam Vork (@theappleMN) March 26, 2024
16.
Sadom and Gomorrah is now at Mar A Lago
— Brooklyn Voting Blue Beauty, MS (@MsBkBeauty) March 27, 2024
17.
Judas reported 30K pieces of silver rather than the 30 he was actually paid so as to secure Pharisee funding
— I Teach Parents (@countdowntok) March 27, 2024
We’ll leave the last word to Michael.
Also: Love thy neighbor as thyself*
*only applies if neighborhoods are segregated.
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) March 26, 2024
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Donald Trump revealing exactly how much he knows about the Bible is an ungodly delight
Source Michael Harriot Image Screengrab